Outside the diner allen lights up and says i love smoking and i say i love smoking too    and then we talk about allen’s girlfriend who is also a friend of mine cause that’s how love works like a web and how she does not love smoking does not love it enough to hold it to her lips over and over and say i love you forgive me my suffering i love you n over like this   this is a new year a new you one where you are not doing the work of living or healing or the   heavy lifting of spiritual enlightenment or whatever it is that you’re supposed to do to be better and forgiven   the new you is not interested in being or becoming or maybe you are becoming something but that thing you are becoming is a smoker  

You smoke reds?
Me too!

(this wasn’t supposed to be about you)

someone who likes to carve up the day with a still moment with a moment that is not productive is not reflective is not  imsorryforgivememysufferingimsorry is not anything is not anything other than a stopping. or maybe a stooping like a stooping down like on your knees like hey man life is suffering but it’s cool right   it’s cool it’s a good look i like this look  this look this death look   that looks neither forwards nor backwards as if i couldn’t shore up time as if i couldn’t go back and fix it    as if i just have to keep nudging forward n forward forever n ever amen in perpetuity but i guess you gotta be responsible for whatever black smoke comes out of your puckering//suffering mouth   huh

allen’s girlfriend told me about taking ayahuasca at a wedding ceremony in the forests of brazil with a dear friend from middle school who married a brazilian trash king and went to live in a commune with him cause love works that way too like a spreading    around the globe sometimes   which is neat it’s neat i like it she said   when you took it you saw the three yous and there was the shitty human-you with a body that’s like life is suffering i have a hole i need to fix it i want a cigarette    and then the emotional-you or honestly i forget what the middle you was but it was not the body-you but it was also not the you-you that was tied up with some divine voice that looked neutrally and objectively and lovingly at your life and forgive yourself your sins   which is a beautiful thing it sounds beautiful at least id like to try it i guess i am bathing myself in smoke my absolutions come quickly and without thought and then i turn em over     we begin again    you got a light man cause im on the chain yeah  im on the chain   amen