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In the last two days, Henry has endorsed me on LinkedIn twice. First he endorsed me for Event Planning. Then, seven hours ago, he endorsed me for Social Media. I’ve unsubscribed from LinkedIn email updates already, but apparently Henry’s endorsements, which Highlight What I’m Great At, are special enough to reassert themselves in my inbox.

So, What Are Your Connections Up To? Henry’s new skill is Litigation. He is in his last year of Law School. He has interned at the New York Court of Appeals and as a criminal defender in the Bronx. He did Teach for America and looks kind of like a half-Japanese Obama.

LinkedIn calls Henry “My Connection.” Actually, Henry is my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him 350 days ago or 220 days ago, depending on whether you count based on that one really bad night or on sex.

A few boys have rejected my affections since then. Sometimes I think my ex-boyfriends should write me letters of recommendation so my crushes know what they’re missing.

Given his previous experience as my boyfriend, Henry has all the necessary knowledge to identify my skills. For instance: I hope to never, ever work in Event Planning, but Henry knows well that I’m into throwing myself the best birthday parties ever. And: I realized Henry had cheated on me that one really bad night thanks to my Social Media Skill. One evening, when our relationship was truly on the rocks, and Henry had not answered any of my texts, I noticed him Like one of bodegacatsofinstagram’s photos. I followed up with a cool:


Henry I know you’ve checked your phone

So when he arrived drunk at my apartment two hours later, it did not take me long to deduce that he was not just having a drink with his friend Emma. He confessed before interrogation. I said, “I don’t really know how to react to that,” then I turned around to go to sleep. One attribute that makes Henry highly employable: he’s six-foot-four. Did you know the average twentieth-century American president is six feet? That’s three inches taller than the average U.S. male. That makes Henry seven inches taller. His long limbs wrapped around my torso twice and, for the first time in our four-year relationship, he wept. I didn’t really know how to react to that either.

A week ago—before the endorsements—Henry texted me to say,

Anthony says hi.

Anthony is Henry’s best friend, who I liked very much and don’t get to see anymore. He lives in Massachusetts.

Hi Anthony! Did you go up to visit?

Yeah. needed to leave the city.
Job hunt has driven me cray.

We don’t sleep together anymore, but sometimes, when we see each other for an uncomfortable dinner, Henry looks into my eyes like he really wants something. Are you wondering if cheating on your girlfriend bars you forever from getting respectably paid and ethically minded employment? Or maybe even becoming a senator one day? I’m happy to say once and for all: you’re ok.

The last time Henry looked at me deeply, we were waiting for my crosstown bus and I couldn’t stop laughing. He said, “I have a feeling that’s at me.”

I denied it, said goodbye, and got on the bus home.

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